I don't know what to do.

I find myself in a position yet again where what I do for fun is turning into a frustrating and aggravating part of my life.  And I need to vent, but if I do so just about anywhere it'll result in a whole lot more frustration and aggravation from the fallout.  So, to you that is reading this, kudos to you, you are a true fan, and I appreciate it.  Not that I'm counting on anyone actually seeing this.

I was a big fan of the station.  Damon, Sloan, J-squared, Liam, Jon and Liz.....I used to listen to all those guys in automation late at night while waiting to fall asleep.  When there was the box set blowout sale, I bought that thing up so I could listen to shit in the microwave whenever I want to.  I wanted to do this stuff, I wanted to be a part of this.

Somehow that dream came true.  And now I find, I don't know if it's worth the aggravation.  I love doing my show.  I have been blessed to have been able to be a part of many different groups throughout the years I've done my show now.  Of course I knew I wanted Seth to co-host with me when I started this show, and I don't know what I'd ever do if he wanted to stop or was unable to continue doing it.  The show would never be the same if he ever left.  But, lucky for me there seems to be no sign of that day approaching yet, knock on wood.  And then having various hosts come and go, I still miss Dark Elf and Emily.  That was a really fun era of the show.  Rob was even fun to have around when he wasn't pissing me off behind the scenes.  And now with Venison, Niio and Mars around, things continue to be fun.  I love doing the show, I have a blast doing it.

It's all the behind the scenes station bullshit that gets me down.  Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to be a leech.  I've always tried to give back to NHB, since it has given me so much and allowed me to do what I had dreamed of doing.  But, it is just so frustrating.  My friendship with Damon is at an all time low, and I just can't relate to the guy anymore.

I mean, I used to have such a good time hanging out with the guy when I could.  He invited us into his studio, we've done shows with him, both Kristen and I were pretty good and close friends with Damon.  And then that blow up happened.  I've explained it all many times.  Basically, the reason I'm not running for President in this bit we're having is, I've already been there.  A position of "power" where you can't do anything, but everyone is looking to you to do it?  Check.  Been there, done that.  What was really frustrating was to be in a position where, I wanted to make NHB shine and be awesome, Damon wanted to make NHB shine and be awesome, and yet there was nothing I could do.  He yells, he screams, he bitches, and is an all around dick, but try to work with him and get him on the phone, and he didn't have the time.  It is quite safe to say that after things blew up that one time and Damon decided to react to it by allowing me to be fired from the station and then holding a public bashing of me for an hour, things have never been the same between Damon and I.  And they certainly haven't been the same between Damon and my wife, she wants nothing to do with him, and won't speak with him.  And he won't speak with her either.  And he refuses to understand why, after the way he acted like such a dick to me when I was trying to do everything I could for the station, why Kristen would be upset with him.

But, I made a decision to come back to NHB.  Why?  Well, lets see.  I am friends with most of the people on the station.  The public bashing didn't change that.  I mean, look at the way after they spend an hour bashing me, I call in, and we all play match game, and have a good time laughing with each other.  Yes, I was fucking pissed at all of them for joining in on the witch hunt, but
A.  They needed a contestant, I stood back and waited quite a bit before I called in.
B.  The idea of, after an hour of bashing me I call in to be a contestant was just too funny to let how mad I was at them get in the way.
C.  Although I had no desire to repair my friendship with Damon at the time, I knew it would blow over as far as the rest of us were concerned.

So, I decided, screw it, Damon's idle again, things settled down, B-Spot is in a position to help me out, why not have the show in the place it originated, with the people that I've friends with?  I mean, I just felt like my show is out of context when it isn't on NHB.  NHB is what inspired my show, after all.  And I do like having a group of people to interact with to allow my show to be part of something bigger.  I like calling Vamp often and dragging him into things.  I like calling in to Addy and Gabe, or having Addy write in.  I like being a part of the station so that I can talk about things that are going on that involve other shows or other people.  Having a show that, while it stands on it's own, is part of a context, part of something bigger, is nice. 

But, once again, I find myself in a position where aggravation is entering my life.  And not by my doing or my cause. 

Now, don't get me wrong, this isn't me whining over having to do a promo.  I do disagree with the manner in which the promo policy has been made and enforced.  But, I also acknowledge that a management team has the right to come up with policies I don't agree with and enforce them.  I've already stated that I feel that a strict deadline and cut off policy isn't really productive or promoting creativity, it's just forcing out generic bland promos.  But, that's not the real issue. 

Once the deadline passed, which I missed by a few hours because inspiration finally struck at the last minute after I finished my generic promo that I hated, Rico calmly in an informational manner informed the staff list that all logins were disabled, and that people would need to go to B-spot about getting unblocked since he was going to be away.  The first message B-spot sent about any of this was an informational message that certain shows had been reactivated due to turning in the promo.

In between those message, Damon sent 6 messages.  They included things like calling the staff lazy, talking about how he needs to kick our asses to get anything done, and threatening to fire anyone that dares speak out.

Do you see a difference in management style here?

At some point, Lisa of HHR sent a message to the staff list saying that there were technical issues that prevented them from turning in a promo, and that they understand that they were being blocked due to their own inaction and didn't have a problem with it, but that she took issue with the way that Damon had to be a dick about it.  Bill never said anything to any staff.  But, if anyone took a few seconds to check on his facebook, it was easy to see what was going on.  They were missing shows due to his mixer being down.  Bill made a post on his facebook about being blocked, and he didn't take issue with it, took responsibility for it.  Apparently, he did finally get the mixer fixed, but there seem to still be technical issues that prevent them from recording.

I don't know.

But, Bill decided to simply walk away.  The only messages he sent to staff were to inform us he was leaving, and to remind us to remove him from the staff list.  And, I think his lack of reaching out to the station speaks loudly. 

Damon acted all confused, and couldn't seem to figure out why Bill didn't come to him, or say anything.  So, I sent a friendly personal email to Damon pointing out how, while Rico and B-spot were calm and professional about management issues and policy enforcement, he was a dick.  He replied to me, telling me off, and insulting me.  I simply replied "and you wonder why Bill didn't come to you."

Meanwhile, Damon continues to stir shit up with stickam.  Now, we have 2 different things going on here. 
A.  Damon's opinion on stickam
B.  Station policy about stickam

A is irrelevant to anything in my life.  Damon's opinions on stickam mean jack shit to me at this point, and I wish he'd just shut the fuck up about it already.  B., on the other hand, is relevant.  And as of now, there is no policy.  NHB has an account, it's open and free to use.  Yet, Damon wants to bitch about this and try to poke his nose into how we do our shows due to his opinion on the service. 

Now, this is an argument we've had several times, and I for one am just sick and tired of it.  I wish the jerk would just shut up already, but nothing will satisfy the guy.  Heck, back before Addy and Gabe left the network, despite my disagreement, it was decided to do away with stickam.  I had fought Damon long and hard on this, but finally got sick of it and gave up, and agreed to go along with dropping stickam.  Addy, however, had made it clear he wouldn't drop it, especially since his stream numbers were consistently low and his stickam numbers were consistently high.  Now, Damon will list his reasons for not caring about the stickam numbers and why we shouldn't care, but once again, that falls under category A.  I'll take things that mean jack shit for $500, Alex.  So, as a member of the dysfunctional management team at the time, I was given the task of delivering an ultimatum to Addy, drop stickam, or be fired.  Mind you, I disagreed with this policy, and was friends with Addy.  Talk about putting me in an uncomfortable position that I didn't want to be in.  But as a member of the station, and a friend of Damon's, who wanted to help him achieve his goals and visions (what are his goals and visions?  Ask him sometime, you won't get a clear answer), I went along, and delivered the ultimatum.  After doing this, and pissing off Addy, who refused to relent, I was told it didn't matter, that since Andrew of TIOLI didn't want to drop stickam we were keeping it.

After that, I really felt like chopped liver.  I had spent a good month arguing my position on stickam.  Explaining why I like it for my show, and how it helps my show.  How taking this away would negatively effect my show.  And how, while I respect Damon's opinions, I disagreed with them.  I appealed to Damon, as a friend, to find some way to compromise, and not take away this tool that enhanced my show.  Instead of understanding, I was ridiculed, told I was wrong, that I didn't know what I was doing, and was basically a fool for wanting to use the service.  And then, after I relent, and go along with a plan I hated, Andrew comes along and says no, and.....oh, well, in that case, we'll keep stickam. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting I was jealous of Andrew.  I just felt it was a bit unfair that Damon would back down and listen to one person, but had complete disregard for my opinion.

So, this has contributed towards me basically not caring at all about Damon's opinions or feelings towards stickam.  He has never once tried to show any bit of understanding or caring towards what I think of stickam.  Why should I care what he thinks of it?  His opinion means jack shit, the only thing I could care about at this time are policies. 

And yet, he still won't shut the fuck up about it.

And so, after it was made clear by Damon that he has no problem with shows using their own stickam accounts, and there would be no policy against that, I decided to just drop the NHB account and use my own, so that this could finally become a non issue.  And yet.....he still won't shut the fuck up about it.

Yesterday, due to his method of management, we lost a show,  a long running show that has made NHB better for having it.  And with it, we lost a dedicated staff member, a guy that was instrumental in the last big project we did, the Christmas special, a guy that went and had himself waxed to raise money for the station, that drank enough milk to make himself physically ill, a guy that has given far more to this station than most.  I tried to, as a friend, privately ask Damon if he could tone down his management style and be more like Rico and B-spot, I also asked him if he could reach out to Bill, and try to repair the situation.  Instead, he ridiculed me.  He also immediately offered up the slot, without any discussion with Bill. 

And then, after that, I tune in to his show last night, and after I nearly fell asleep from listening to the entire line up of XM Sirius stations, he decides to once again start bitching about stickam.  As I felt an urge to kill building up inside of me, I turned the stream off, and went to play some PS3.  I think the neighbors are now wondering who this Damon guy is, and why I kept yelling "die, Damon, die" at my TV screen as I ran over pedestrians in GTA IV.  (Actually, I'm exaggerating for humor, I just played some Portal 2)

So, where are we?

I'm still doing my weekly show.  I've turned in my promo.  I've dropped the NHB stickam due to Damon's opinions and rantings.  Damon still won't shut up.  And we've lost a long time show and valuable staff member.  And, I'm left wondering, is it worth being on NHB anymore?  I don't want this drama.  I don't want this aggravation.  It's easy to just say, well then don't let it bother you.  And I keep telling myself that.  But, everywhere I turn, I'm faced with aggravation from Damon and NHB it feels like.  But, somehow I know if I walk, I'll probably regret it and want to come back.  And I can't keep doing this flip flopping thing.  So I don't know what to do at this point.

Anyways, if you read this, I applaud you and thank you.