Back some time ago, HP built a pretty solid printer that was pretty common, and was built to last. This, of course, was a huge mistake, since companies don't want to fucking support anything beyond 2 weeks after they've designed it, let alone some years later. But, they built it, it lasts, and it's out there in many office buildings across the country. If HP wants to keep their customers happy, they should at least take a few minutes to answer questions on basic things.
Instead, HP would like to practice their methods of torture on their end users.
So, at some point, something went wrong over in customer service. I get calls one day about one of our printers getting all these weird error messages, or printing blank pages, or pages with gibberish. Just fucking great. And, of course, there's always like 20 fucking print jobs in the queue when I go over there, most duplicate entries of something someone is waiting for when the error happened, making it fucking impossible to track down what in the fuck is causing these issues.
Mind you, we've had these printers set up for years without problems. Which means, some jackass has done something that is causing something to come through my print queues that my printers aren't happy with. And, since the shit flows downhill, this becomes my fucking problem.
So, first, I google the error message, thinking it's a problem with an individual printer, since no one in the department can give me an accurate description of things, or fill in details. This was before anyone bothered to tell me that it was happening on 2 printers, and sometimes it was the blank pages or gibberish that was coming out, the only symptom I had was one error message on one printer that was frequently coming up.
So, I google it, and I get some vague information that is of no help, and the only suggestion I find is to upgrade the firmware.
One careful firmware upgrade later, after reading and re-reading the instructions to make sure I don't mess it up, I bricked the printer. Way to go, HP, your firmwares fucking suck!
Mind you, I tested this on the spare printer first, and it went through fine there, so I know I was doing it right.
Ok....so....I give them the spare printer, and say "here you go, upgraded firmware, enjoy!"
And then while I'm there, other people are like, oh great, while you're here, this printer is also having issues.
Ok, what's the issue.
Well, it's not doing it now...
Call me when you actually have a problem that you can show me then.
Right, so later it comes out that they are still getting these errors on both their printers, and if I try to redirect print jobs so that I can work on one of the printers in peace, they then call me frantic about the other printer, so I can't get any peace and quiet to do any troubleshooting.
So, of course, at this point, it becomes clear to me, it isn't the printers, it's the print jobs....
...ok...what....in....the....FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, I decided, well.....gibberish and blank pages are usually driver related, lets update the drivers.
So, I go to HP's website to find the most recent driver for a LaserJet 5Si, and LaserJet 4250.
Well, I can't find a fucking thing on the site for a 5Si.
So, I call their support, and a guy was nice enough to recommend the universal pcl6 driver.
Great....one download and install later, I now have 5Si printers that don't print anything, and 4250 printers that ask for envelopes in the manual feed tray.
Oh, that's just fucking lovely. Way to go, HP.
Plus, when I go to click on the properties of the printers, I get a message advising me that the Universal PCL6 driver is not installed, and asks if I want to install it. Well, this makes no fucking sense, since I did install it, but fine, go ahead and redo the install if you must. I click next a few times, it thinks, install complete.
Except that it does this EVERY FUCKING TIME I TRY TO LOOK AT THE PRINTER PROPERTIES!!!!!!
So, with this driver, I get some printers not printing at all, some printers asking for envelopes even though I'm sending normal print jobs, and indications that the driver that is installed isn't installed when viewing properties. Clearly, something is wrong with this printer or how it's installed.
Well, being that I followed the instructions properly, I decided, lets go back to the place that I got this driver from, HP.
So, I call HP, and suddenly overnight they've been given marching orders to tell anyone that calls about a 5Si to kindly go play hide and go fuck yourself.
Real nice, HP, real nice, give me a driver that breaks everything, and then stop taking my calls.
Well, you know what, HP?
FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, at this point, I've set the printers back on the drivers they've been on for years without issue, and have thrown my hands up in the air and basically said....I don't fucking know.
Thank you, HP, for building shitty printers that can't print anything right, programming shitty drivers that won't install properly, and then refusing to take my calls.
I think we will need to reconsider what brand to go with on future printer purchases, because I refuse to allow another HP printer enter this building.
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